Magical Death Wish
by Sweetie7smiled
Summary: When Bella and Seth unexpectedly disappear from her home, leaving only an odd scent clue that suggests unfriendly *magic*, is there anything the Cullens can do to find them? Charlie will do everything he can to help. What will the magical world think of them all when they can't help but interact? Humor! An EM AUT storyette (#8); canon loyal to both series' characters and worlds.
1. Order Incarcerated

**Magical Death Wish**

Essentially Magical's Alternate Universe Tangent storyette #8

_This __– is just for fun!_

* * *

*** * * Order Incarcerated * * ***

During the final few weeks before Bella & Edward's wedding, while briefly meeting with Seth away from the Cullens' immediate presence, a contingent from the Order of the Phoenix unexpectedly arrives, to call upon this newly-discovered band of shape-shifters in hopes of gaining their support against Voldemort. However, before much in the way of even friendly introductions can be said, the lot of them are abruptly ambushed by a superior party of Death Eaters… who promptly confiscate every Order-member's wand and transport the entire group to an unnamed residential destination in England.

Immediately, one of the rooms of the mansion is magically turned into an effective holding cell for them all, and they are all trapped within it while the Death Eaters determine what is to be done with them. (Even if they had their _wands_, they wouldn't be able to apparate out of here; the death eaters have set up an enchantment against it. So, there's no chance they could _escape_ by accidental magic.)

The lead Death Eater, thinking to taunt the Order members by putting their fate at the mercy of the one _ignorant_ muggle among them (Seth is automatically recognized to be the shape-shifter he is, though his type and orientation is unknown to them), decides to give _Bella_ the choice of how she will _die_. Her _choice_ will then be expanded upon to include all of the rest of _them_.

When she is asked to choose, perceptively understanding that they're planning on _killing_ the lot of them either one way or another – and that this may be their _only_ chance at survival – she distressingly responds with the choice that she would wish to die by _vampire_… _specifically_: by that member of the undead for whom her blood provides the single _most __irresistible_ appeal. She works to act as if she is truly distraught and choosing her death by this request… and that this choice is actually based on the desire for it to be over as quickly as possible, for her at least.

With the exception of Seth (who suspects her plan but is nonetheless rather concerned about the 'most irresistible appeal' part that he hadn't known about), her companions in captivity feel almost betrayed by this option, having no idea that there could be any hope involved in it. Their disapproval and dismay are evident. Those who are inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt suspect that she may not in fact believe vampires to be real… and thus might be actually trying to _undermine_ their captors' lethal efforts by choosing something more magical than she believes they could deliver. While they acknowledge the _thought_ could be nice, this doesn't make them _feel_ any better. They're all terrified.

Appreciating that this method would most surely result in her _death_, as well as potentially create a quite desirably terrifying death experience for every _other_ captive who would be subsequently attacked… all while covertly providing every present Death Eater with the academic and personal pleasure of witnessing the vampires' carnage first-hand… the death eater in charge approves of the idea – and expands upon it by deciding to summon the indicated vampire's _entire coven_(which he believes would consist of no more than three) to do the dirty work. He also commands that minor but bleeding wounds be affected upon each and every one of the prisoners, for dramatic effect. (Bella's face is abruptly full of apprehension over this development.)

_Desperate_ to stop any bleeding, each prisoner applies and rigorously maintains sufficient pressure on their wound, for dear life. A number of them manage to heal themselves through some fortuitously accidental magic, though they keep this fact hidden from their captors.

Meanwhile, the Death Eaters confidently reorganize the protective ward covering the house into an invisible doughnut-shape – so that it effectively encloses every area where _they_ might be watching from, but leaves the _captives' _cell thoroughly and vulnerably exposed to where the _vampires_ will be summoned. This proven magical protection will disallow any _human-blood-drinking creature_ from crossing into their zone of safety – _as well as_ keep the destructive beings from seeing the magically hidden exit door for what it really is – yet still allow the summoning magic to call the undead into the unwarded space in front of them. In the spirit of a sporting event, the wall between them and the massacre-to-come is made to magically take on the properties of one-way glass, and spelled to transmit every sound clearly. Ultimately, they are quite morbidly satisfied with their 'front row seats'.

Having set everything up to their satisfaction, the magic required to call the vampires forth – is promptly performed.

* * *

Across the world, the Cullens have been anxiously searching for Bella… who has suddenly _disappeared_ from her home without any _trace_ of a scent trail left to tell them where to find her. Edward is _frantic_. Inexplicably, what scent remains is surrounded by a myriad of unknown _other_ scents as well – some of which are alarmingly _predatory_ – that have likewise disappeared alongside her and left _no_ evidence of their origin. At the same time, Seth's apparently simultaneous disappearance explains why Alice is unable to see her. Only periodically, whenever Bella manages to walk far enough away from him for herself to be _seen_, can they tell she is even still _alive_ in a crowded room somewhere – though certain aspects of the vision remain unclear. She doesn't appear to be in a friendly setting, however.

In response to Edward's urgent inquiry, Charlie has also become desperate to find his missing daughter and late best friend's son – and has just met up with Carlisle in the hope of figuring out what they can do to find them both. All of a sudden, a new vision shows the lot of them abruptly arriving at this foreign place in the very near future ("which _may_ have flowing blood to be wary of," Alice preemptively warns her family)… and in the next moment – they each are overcome by the strange swirling sensation of being magically summoned to another location.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks for reading!


	2. A Cullenary Sensation

*** * * A Cullenary Sensation * * ***

All at once, the sparsely furnished incarceration room is eight frightening bodies richer, and all of the magical prisoners are defensively shrinking against the outer walls in varying states of abject terror.

Unbeknownst to any of the humans, most of the Cullens are holding their breaths so as not to be tempted by the flowing blood they were warned to expect. Carlisle's and Charlie's hands are still clasped in a gesture of greeting, and it is only when they both move to _release_ it (bringing attention to the fact that one of them _could_ have come piggybacked on the arrival of the other), that their human audience is drawn to recognize that one of the newcomers _is_, in fact, _also_ human. _Not that that would do us any good! _Edward confusedly overhears. _Heaven help us!_

"Dad?" Bella exclaims in surprise, just as Edward humanly runs to embrace her. As her clearly nauseated father glances over in shocked response, she grimaces sympathetically – realizing this has all suddenly gotten a _whole_ lot more complicated. "Pretend you're biting me," she tells her fiancé, in a quick-thinking whisper intended for all but the watching Death Eaters to be able to hear.

"What!" Edward is shocked, but automatically complies with her request by planting an over-large kiss upon her neck, freely allowing himself to savor her flavor in the process. There's nothing like having her safely back in his arms again. "Why?" he whispers against her skin. The odd yet alarmingly _aware _trepidations of those in the room around him haven't given much clue as to what's going on yet.

In the same whispered tone as before, Bella explains: "We have magically hidden observers who need to think you're a deranged vampire."

Edward's eyebrows rise in almost comically in shock, which quickly morphs into understanding as all of the peculiar thoughts in the room finally begin to make sense together. The magical nature of them had been rather confusing, at first- but very quickly he realizes that it is, in fact, the very real and normal way of living for all of the wandless witches and wizards in the room. As this amazing fact dawns on him, suddenly he is also able to detect the thoughts of those observing from _elsewhere_ in the mansion. The entire situation, as well as the motives involved, abruptly becomes clear.

"Don't turn around and let them see your eyes!" Edward fiercely warns his family – at a vampire speed and volume too low for the humans to hear – all while keeping his lips against Bella's neck. They are unsurprised at his angered tone, given the circumstances. "These are all _genuine witches and wizards_, who _know_ what we _are_, by virtue of the magic used to get us here. Their _tyrant_ faction brought us here as a means to _execute_ the benign resistance… all while hoping to get a sadistic _thrill_ out of watching the mayhem. _They're_ all hidden behind the warded wall behind us, and don't think we can see the door in the corner. We're not supposed to be able to know they're there."

Actually, Edward notes as their senses strain to seek the tyrants out – it seems that most of his family still _isn't_ readily detecting them… as _he_ hadn't initially been able to as well, until after he recognized the magic for what it was. A few wizard thoughts had alluded to this phenomenon. Cursorily, he gives them a quick introduction to the reality of magic – by pointing out exactly how they all came to be summoned into the given circumstances – until they each can similarly hear every heartbeat coming from beyond the warding force-field.

Continuing on at vampire speed, Edward finally relays all the _other_ pertinent information he has learned about their situation, as well as (now with the help of Alice's visions) what they can circumspectly _do_ about it. It's _showtime_. The Tyrant faction must be caught _entirely_ by surprise, else the miscreants will teleport away before they can all be subdued. The immediate compromising of _each_ of their wands will be _essential_. And, they _aren't_ going to be shy about advertising the truth about wizards and vampires to anyone else in the room.

They'll need to play it entirely 'muggle', though, for Charlie's sake.

With this explanation, every one of the Cullens is now ready to play into the charade. All the while (only a few seconds, really), Edward has been speaking low into Bella's willing neck (and ear) so as to make the Death Eaters believe their plan was being successful. Only one thing was missing. With sudden abruptness, his hands at her waist begin to move very subtly, causing her to scream in shocked surprise and begin squirming under his touch.

Immediately, all non-vampire attention is _riveted_ upon the two of them. Taking advantage of this distraction, every _other_ Cullen abruptly disappears into the adjoining room to effectively apprehend each one of the offending tyrants.

Edward smiles in amusement as Bella's initial scream quickly devolves into a fit of gasping giggles. "Stop it!" she pleads breathlessly, and he does.

As horror – followed by extreme confusion – sets in around the room, the rest of the Cullens file back in through the door… humanly escorting all of the now-wandless tyrants between them. With the broken remnants of their wands uselessly scattered about the room they just left, and irresistibly strong, cold hands now leading them back through the ineffective ward towards their once-condemned prisoners, there is no _doubt_ in every Death Eater's unwilling mind – that their fortuitous tide has turned_._ Quaking in complete terror, _positive_ that their _pure_ blood will be _much_ more tempting to the vampires when they ultimately choose to imbibe – they realize in despair that _n__one_ of this is turning out as they thought it would… and that they have _no __control _over what's going to happen to them now.

* * *

**A/N:** Thanks for so many encouraging comments! I'll try to have chapter 3 ready to post by next update. :)


	3. Charlie to the Rescue

*** * * Charlie to the Rescue * * ***

Miraculously coming face to face with Bella's apprehended kidnappers, and believing himself to be the only law enforcement official present (unaware that he is outside of Forks' Police jurisdiction _or_ that he is dealing with magical persons), Charlie takes command. As the Cullens smoothly play right into his interpretation of the scenario, the still-wandless and fearful ex-prisoners – who recognize Charlie to be Bella's _muggle_ _father_, whose authority the vampires are nevertheless _respecting_ – cautiously and bewilderingly follow suit.

Contrastingly, the Death Eaters' attitudes are _clearly_ fearful and desperate (in regards to the Cullens), dismissive (of Bella and Charlie), and hateful (to the Order ex-prisoners). They make no effort to hide their 'superior' attitudes from the muggles present. In order to head off the problems they would create, and quite happy to cause them grief on Bella's behalf, Edward volunteers to Charlie that: "Apparently, they think we're _vampires_," chuckling in such a way as to suggest that is the _craziest_ idea he's ever heard. He has already communicated to his family about the wizards' own Statute of Secrecy, and that the ability exists for wizards to erase memories of their world from the minds of those who aren't ready to embrace it. Therefore- their best approach is simply going to involve _fielding_ whatever topics _are_ going to come up in current company- without giving Charlie (or any of his more-aware magical counterparts) a heart-attack in the process.

"… And when they asked her how she would choose to be _killed_," Edward goes on to explain with a note of menace in his voice, and Charlie pales at the idea – "Bella managed to get them to call us here on the ruse that she wished to be drained by the _vampire_ most fatally attracted to her _blood_."

Charlie is dumbfounded at the absurdity of the idea. "You've got to be kidding."

A little surprised at Edward's boldness, but taking her cue from him nonetheless, Bella informatively continues the thought by pointing her finger at his chest. "That would be you," she inserts matter-of-factly, as if divulging that detail was simply a residual part of the ruse.

Smiling ever-so-slightly, Edward shakes his head at her as if in disbelief. "That's just ridiculous," he plays along.

"Of course it is," she agrees. "Carlilse'd have to be… what? a vampire _surgeon_?! And _you'd_ have to be marrying…" she pauses, as if struggling to find words – "hmm… I don't even want to go _there_. Anyway, you'd have to be one of the _two_ most_ self-controlled_ vampires on the face of the _planet_! How likely is _that_, really?"

Edward smiles at her amusedly, his gaze full of admiration. Judging by the thoughts in the room, _especially_ coming from among the more kindly contingent of magical hostages who've never met them before – Bella's impromptu explanation is really making a helpful impact. Of course, thanks to _Jasper's_ talent for even making it _possible_. And Charlie remains none the wiser. Neither is Bella as nauseous looking as she had been initially, presumably from the smell of fresh blood. "Well, apparently it made for a good diversion."

"Yeah it did!" Emmett pipes in, utilizing the single breath in his lungs to play his natural role to perfection. "We managed to catch them all _completely_ off-guard. Great going, little brother!"

Discreetly, Edward rolls his eyes tolerantly at the designation. _His_ little brother enjoys using the moniker whenever he can reasonably get away with it.

_I saw that!_ Emmett teases him good-naturedly. But he is also pleased to register that the small taste of air which speaking afforded him, was clean enough to breathe. _Why didn't you tell us this already?_ he asks, but the answer to him is obvious. _Too busy to notice, I guess._

_Indeed_, Edward nods once in reply. At some point since they arrived, it seems that _all_ of the remaining unhealed wounds must have gotten magically repaired. _Accidental magic, it would seem_, judging by the lack of any conscious thoughts in relation to it coming from any of their magical associates, along with memories of how it had partially happened earlier._ A__ fascinating – and very fortunate – __phenomenon__._

_Fascinating_, Carlisle agrees with him, as soon as Emmett's resumed breathing causes him to notice it's already safe for the others to do so as well.

Meanwhile, rattled by the implications of the recent topic of conversation – even if it _was_ only a ruse, and oddly effective as distractions go – Charlie questions Edward. "I-is that why you were _tickling_ her… and kissing her _neck_?" He growls the last few words warningly, uncomfortable with the intimacy of their display.

"Yes, chief," Edward chuckles contritely at his fatherly protectiveness. Bella grimaces, and he turns to her. "Well I had to make it look _believable_. Not too many people would have accepted that you were being _victimized_, if you didn't look like a _victim_," he explains his infuriatingly practical actions in a reasonable tone, belying his amusement.

"Hmph," Bella scowls, her own lips twitching just a little at his humor, then sighs. "Well, at least it _worked_."

For a fleeting moment, Charlie mulls over the whole cockamamie idea – remembering that the Quileutes have long held a strange prejudice against the Cullens for some inexplicable reason (though Seth doesn't seem to be having any problem with them, now). As he does so, his suspicious attention briefly touches upon each of them in turn, summarily unable to even _contemplate_ the blood-drinking notion while glancing at Edward with _Bella_, until his gaze falls again upon Carlisle. There is just _no way_ the good doctor could be a _vampire_, he automatically concludes, and immediately discards the incredible idea in favor of suspecting that the kidnappers are mentally unsound.

Smoothly in support of this belief, Edward continues with: "True. And that's because, _these_ crazy kooks…" Edward points specifically at the detained tyrants rather than the ex-prisoners, "also think that _they_ are wizards. Go figure."

Almost in concert with this statement, and effectively in emphasis of it, Edward reaches into a hidden pocket of one of the Death Eaters' robes and pulls out an alternative wand he happened to have had on his person, which the guy was glad had been initially overlooked. Showing it to Charlie, he lightly mocks: "This is what he was 'armed' with."

Suddenly, all of the magical persons are even more panicked at the thought of a _vampire_ holding a _wand_, and Edward realizes they're afraid of him _using_ it. The Death Eater in front of him is additionally afraid that Edward will take it away from him or break it, as it represents his last hope of escape.

Charlie's face scrunches up in confusion. "But it's just a stick!" _I don't get it. _"Still, we'll need to keep it as evidence." He doesn't have a convenient place to keep it, however.

Edward nods in feigned agreement. "I'll keep it for you," he offers, pocketing it himself.

In confused and utter panic, the Death Eater in question can't help but object. "You have no right!" he fearfully exclaims.

Turning to him with dangerously narrowed eyes, Edward exercises a considerable amount of control to be patient with this man who so recently sought to kill his fiancé. As it is, he's only _just_ become satisfied that magical law enforcement – via beings known as _dementors_ – will be able to provide a sufficient enough punishment to leave them to. "On the contrary, I have _every_ right…"

Naturally, most of the humans present don't know Edward well enough to interpret this comment as any more than an apex predator's attitude to do what he wants. This _doesn't_ sound promising.

"…to defend my _life_, and _all _those I choose to include in it… just as _you_ do. However, that's _not_ what you were doing. Incidentally, the very moment you _attacked_ my_ fiancé_, you _lost_ your right to _this_." Edward casually pats the 'stick' in his pocket, and a muffled crunching sound is heard- indicating its demise.

The Death Eater's face twists fiercely in despair at the sound.

_Huh; it must have been brittle_, Charlie thinks, shaking his head in disbelief; _though it's still good evidence. _Finally, regarding the perpetrators with a well-restrained hostility, he proceeds to take the ringleader into custody… and if they hadn't have just _kidnapped_ and tried to _kill_ his _daughter_ – he might have even felt sorry for them.

Meanwhile, the Order members are surprised to realize that Edward's claim is quite correct and reasonable, though they can't imagine _how_ he would be this way. _And what does he mean they attacked his __fiancé__?! He __couldn't__ mean the muggle girl standing __next__ to him… could he?!_

As Chief Swan is putting his single pair of handcuffs on the head tyrant, unaware of the abject humiliation said wizard is suffering at the idea of being detained _muggle_-style, the unscrupulous man struggles to convince Charlie that he really _is_ a wizard, and that the Cullens holding him immobile between them are _indeed_ vampires. However, Charlie suspects that he and his desperate cohorts are simply jealous of the Cullens good looks and fortune. _They certainly __dress__ better_, he can't help but observe;_ it looks like a circus in here!_ Finally, in exasperation he exclaims: "Of all the ridiculous prejudices! The next thing I know, you'll be telling me…" he pauses to scope out the room for the most likely candidate, "_this_ man's…" he points his finger straight at Remus Lupin- the person in the room who most looks as if he could have hailed from the _o__pposite_ end of the monetary scale, "a werewolf!"

While the indicated wizard – _and_ every other magically-inclined person who _knows_ what he _is_ – nearly chokes struggling to hide their shock, the Cullens hide knowing smiles between them, and Bella wonders what is behind that. Mr. Lupin doesn't look anything _like_ a werewolf, so far as she knows. _Does he smell like one?_

"Good eye, Charlie" Carlisle amusedly compliments him, as if in jest.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading and sharing! :)  
**


End file.
